I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
