Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
