Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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