i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
