Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
