the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
