you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
