We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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