I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
