last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
