got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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