my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
