im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
