i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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