break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
