he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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