im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
