I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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