apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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