When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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