apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She needs sedatives and a leash
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
