It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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