walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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