I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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