im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
