You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
