my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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