sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
