On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
