Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
