I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
