i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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