At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
