Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
