So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
