why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
