I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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