I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
