Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
