Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
