Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
