is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
