its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
