My balls are so social today.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
