I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Drunk is a universal language darling
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
