Banned from zoo.
Again?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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