I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
