and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
