We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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