Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
